After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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