these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize