I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
