hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
