call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
