I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
