My room smells like vodka and shame
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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