True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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