2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize