I wish I could punch you in the face.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
