No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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