my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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