The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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