Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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