...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize