P.S. I can't hear my feet
I wish i was in the wii world.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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