Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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