Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
