You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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