just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
