I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
