I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
