I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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