when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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