the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
