Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
