When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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