I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
