My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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