hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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