I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
