(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
