I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize