shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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