why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
