I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
