Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
