could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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