Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
