you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize