Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
