Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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