im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
