I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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