dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Your penis caused this!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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