I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
