That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize