I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
