I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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