If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
