It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
