My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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