I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
