Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
