Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
