You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just gargled with NyQuil
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
