if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize